A couple of days ago, one of the best things to happen this year occurred. Out of nowhere, my ex-drummer from Idlemind speaks to me after almost four months of complete radio silence, and tells me how he wants to meet up so we can "put the pieces back together of how this all fell apart."

Youssef Mohamed Altay was not only my bandmate, but a bloodbrother and trusted friend. We had spent five years of amazing friendship together, and went through everything from overdoses to suicide attempts by each other's side. But by the end of last year rumors started spreading around (of which I won't speak of) and lots of bad blood got between us. The band broke up after being labeled the best rock band in the country by local radio station listeners, our friendship collapsed, and things got as far as us talking behind each other's back about things we knew not to be true, just to get back at each other. In short, it was unbelievable how bad things had become.

We met, and as proof of how deep our friendship was, we didn't even need to talk about what happened. It was as if we just picked up where we left off. Things were funny, and even though this might sound gay, I don't care: it was like breaking up and having one partner immediately date someone else (my band in a way replaced me with another frontman and started playing gigs right away). I had felt cut off and abused, and I already spoke of this in previous journals, of how bad things were for me a few months ago.

But this year seems to be starting out better than last. He had gone today to a studio to record a few overdubs on a track by his other band, and I went along. My old bassist was there as well since he's in that same band, but the frontman that replaced me wasn't around. I went out for a smoke with Jack, the bassist, and was asking me how I was doing with music and stuff. So I told him of my plans, and he just said out of the blue if I wanted to perform, as Idlemind, in a gig next month. I told him, I would love to. He said alright, work your shit out with Altay and let me know. I immediately proceeded inside the studio and told Altay of the proposition. He agreed without hesitation.

So that's that, I'm beginning to get my band back, slowly but surely. In other news, our old guitarist might be coming back later this year as well. How's that for miracle work?

Maybe my patience is starting to pay off. This isn't the only relationship I seem to be slowly mending this year. I'm trying. I tried my best, and even though I thought my best wasn't good enough, I'm beginning to think I was wrong. I hope I was wrong, because I feel like I'm getting my life, the one I loved, back again, and at the same time keeping the good things I've accomplished in the process. True friendship and love overcomes all obstacles. If the rumors that were spread were actually true, I know our friendship couldn't have been fixed in any way, at any point in time. But this was deep, and from how things felt, even if the rumors WERE true, it seems we would've still worked it out somehow, someday.

That gives me some sort of hope, of.. foresight, if you will, regarding my other cherished relationship. Over the past year, I've lost close to everything I held dear. This year, I'm either starting to slowly get it back, or found something better in the process. But the better things, I already knew needed to be acquired. I was with a very shallow and deceitful group of friends, and to tell you the truth, I'm quite glad I lost them. The new friends are all a person could wish for. As for the things that I hope to regain, I knew from when I first got them that they were the best, and nothing could be better. There were only two, anyway. Two things I held dear. One is back today, one is on the way. One down for Mickey, one to go.

Thank you, God. Thank you.



I feel it fitting to leave with a little something I wrote with my bloodbrother, about three years ago, on a train ride back from a concert. (Oh, I remember that day so very well. I wasn't going straight home after the concert. At least, not the home I was brought up in. I WAS going to a home, before heading back to my parents' place. I was going to the home where the heart is.) Enjoy.

"Stab it slowly so you can leave chronological space for your ears to enjoy the soothing sounds of blood squirting out of the now disfigured patch of skin which you had been laying your eyes on for all this time. But hey, now it's yours, all fucking yours. Are you... Happy? Content? Satisfied? Overwhelmed? Engorged with joy? Or is it malice that fills you, cold pungent hatred that burns your every molecule? Whatever it is I suggest you dispose of it, it's making too much commotion in this already turbulent fuck of a brain I claim to have. Or to have lost. Who knows? Who gives? Myself. Me. I give. I give and I give and I take and I take and I fucking take it all. It's all balanced and in place. But why should that be good? Balance is comfort and in comfort I find boredom. Boredom is the most underestimated demon of them all, the horror it can bring out of someone. Oh, my god... Why else would have Adolf fucking Hitler put all these people through six foot fans? Feet first, too? He was bored. I think. Maybe not. Well, I don't have much of a point to this. You should though. You should have a point. And you don't. I can tell. You started reading this merely because it was "written"? Or do you have another reason? An ulterior motive? I'll be right there, nurse..."